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Subject: CRASHING WITH MY BROTHER (INCEST) — CHAPTER 6 CRASHING WITH MY BROTHER This is a work of fiction. no resemblance to any person, living or dead, is intended. Copyright reserved by author, 2019 CHAPTER 6 JON RYAN: By the end of first semester, Jon was already my best friend at school and in the weeks following my move to New York, we grew even closer. Even before the Memorial Day camping trip, I had already opened up to him about what was happening with me sexually, starting with the totally unexpected scene in the gym sauna and my totally unexpected reaction to it. Now that I had decided to try all kinds of sex, I was less afraid of mistakenly starting something with Jon that I couldn’t finish. I told Jon about hearing Jamie and Conor rutting like a couple of bull elephants, in the bedroom while I jerked off on the couch. I didn’t leave out how sexy and aroused I felt, even though I’d just blown a load, when Jamie saw me lying there when he got up to use the bathroom. “It really turned me on to have Jamie stop and look at me like that, — naked, hard, and covered in sweat and my own cum. I knew what I was doing to him and that made me feel like I had some kind of power over him. I fucking loved it.” And since I was telling him everything, I described all the sex we had on that camping trip, including my watching Jamie fuck Conor before I fucked Jamie while Conor watched. Jon listened closely to everything I told him, but he was careful not to act too surprised or too pleased. He acknowledged that I was telling him something important about myself, and he had some questions, but that was about it. Of course I could tell that he was fascinated by the idea of Conor and me having sex with Jamie in front of each other, but after his wide-eyed surprise when I told him about jerking off with Conor in the sauna, I suppose I’ll never be able to really shock Jon again. Except for that one time — when I told him about the sauna jerkoff — no matter what I told Jon about my recent sexual experiences, he kept his reactions and advice mostly to himself. If he had suspected that my sexual identity might still be developing long before I knew it myself, I couldn’t tell, because he never lost his poker face. Jon’s like that. He’s this wise, knowing, adult in a 19 year old’s body. He’s the guy you go to if you can’t figure out what someone’s game is, or you’re having a problem that you don’t know how to fix, because if it’s fixable, he’ll probably know how. I don’t mean that he’s serious all the time. When you want to have fun, he’s right there with you, but when you need a solid, grounded, trustworthy, friend, there’s nobody better. And now that I needed a friend like that, I was really, really, glad to have him around. The only thing I didn’t tell Jon about was his dad’s sexual interest in me. Not only was I afraid that he’d be really angry with his dad, I was even more afraid that he wouldn’t be able to be my friend any more if he knew. And I’d tell Tom to go fuck himself before I’d ever risk losing Jon’s friendship over that. I’ve said before that I always suspected that Jon was kinda hot for me and that he might have hoped for more than I’d been able to give him. Now that I was telling him about my exploration of queer sexuality, I think that he was starting to think of us as potentially more than just good buddies and, to be honest, I was beginning to think the same thing myself. Now that I was past seeing myself as totally straight, or even hetero-flexible, I thought, “Why not? Where are you going to find a better friend and maybe lover, than Jon?” I decided to make it easy for him to figure out that I might finally be ready to go further with him, and see what he did about it. Not long after our return from the Catskills, Conor told me that he was planning to spend the the next night at Jamie’s — speaking of two people who should just announce that they’re a couple and get it the fuck over with. When I told him about my idea of testing the water with Jon, Conor suggested inviting him over when he’d be at Jamie’s, since the bedroom would be free all night and I was welcome to use it — as long as I didn’t make Conor wash the sheets. I texted Jon immediately, and 30 seconds later I had my answer: “Yes! (smiley face emoji)” My text mentioned that Conor was spending the night with Jamie, but I didn’t say clearly that I would expect Jon to spend the entire night with me. I was going to leave that decision up to him. This is probably a good time to mention that I’d already seen Jon naked many times in the gym locker room at school and he’s almost two different people in and out of his clothes. In his clothes, he’s certainly good looking, but you probably wouldn’t describe him more enthusiastically than that. But without his clothes? Oh Sweet Jesus! Even before I began to question my sexuality, I knew that, naked, he’s sexy as fuck and he knows it. Now? If he were to do a slow, seductive, strip tease for me and then ask me to steal all of my parents’ retirement savings and bring them to him, I’d have done it without a second thought. And then I’d have written him long love letters from jail. Jon’s about my height (six feet), with curly brown hair, and you can see something of his father in his face, but he doesn’t have that polished 50’s leading man look that Tom has. His body is lean, tight, with long ropy muscles that don’t show through his clothes. He’s almost as hairy as Conor, and his cut cock and big balls hang heavily. His face is handsome without being chiseled. His second best feature is his ass, which looks like like two perfect scoops of ice cream. His best feature is his smile. Bottom line: Jon’s one of those people who, if you look at them one physical feature at a time, are not too far out of the ordinary. But if you look at all of those features assembled into one naked body, that body is scorching hot. After work on the evening we’d have the apartment to ourselves, Jon walked home with me. There was beer in the fridge and weed in a bag waiting for us when we got there. As Jon started sucking down a beer, I could see that he was still unsure of exactly what I had in mind. I decided to help him figure it out by telling him in greater detail about my camping trip over the holiday weekend, since there was still plenty I hadn’t shared. I paused to work on my own beer and give Jon a chance to talk. He seemed to be unsure where to begin, or what to say about the story he’d just heard, so he told me that he’d spent the long weekend with his parents at their house in the Springs out on eastern Long Island. He didn’t have too much to say about that, or much enthusiasm for saying it, so it didn’t take him long. Then, just to make sure he got the point, I told him what happened after I got home from dinner with him and his family: how I jerked off while watching the guys across the street suck and fuck. By this time, we’d finished our beers, begun to work on a joint, and that poker face of his was only a memory. “That is so fucking hot!” he exclaimed when I told him how I was sitting on this very couch, trying to read, when I first noticed the guys across the street. “What’d you do?” “At first, I just got up, moved over to the window, and started rubbing my cock through my underwear, but pretty soon I got rid of my underwear and tee shirt, and started jerking off for real as all three of us kept our eyes trained on each other.” “Don’t stop now, for fuck’s sake!” “It was the most amazing thing. If great sex is the best possible sex that you can imagine, then perfect sex is the best possible sex that God can imagine. This was perfect. You know that I’m not religious, but sometimes that’s the only way I know how to explain something as transcendent as what happened to me in front of that window. “You’d never guess it, but sex in which you can’t touch or speak to your partners can be so fucking intimate,” I continued. “With no more than locking eyes with each other across the 20, 25, yards of darkness separating our little islands of light, we understood each other perfectly. “I was so totally focused on them fucking and watching me stroke my dick or play with my tits and balls, that I just disappeared into a trance. Suddenly, this electric energy began to surge through my body and time stood still. I know this sounds fucking nuts, but I felt like my mind had left my body so that I could watch myself AND watch the guys in the opposite window all at the same time, izmit escort and I felt like I could stay right at the edge of cumming forever. “Except that, all of a sudden, those two cum, then they hug and kiss, then they wave goodbye, and now I’m outta the trance. In an instant, my whole body starts shaking and my cock aches and spasms from the volcanic orgasm building up inside me. Next thing I know, I feel like my body is being ripped apart, cum is flying through the air, I’m dropping to my knees trying not to pass out, and finally, I’m barely conscious and there are big gobs of cum dripping down the window. That’s how Conor found me when he walked in a couple of minutes later. “What did HE SAY?”, Jon shrieked. By now, he couldn’t do “cool” if his life depended on it. “Not much. He just laughed a little and told me not to worry because it wasn’t the first time streaks of cum had run down the window because of those guys. Then we went into the bedroom to watch TV.” “Has Conor ever seen your cum before? Or seen you hard?” “We’ve seen each other’s morning wood lotsa times, but we never jerked off together until the day I got here,” I said, and reminding him about the scene in the gym sauna. “I’m the gay one around here, GODDAMNIT,” Jon suddenly yelled. “How come this shit doesn’t happen to ME?! Why does it have to be wasted on a fucker like you who thought he was totally straight till ten minutes ago?” “Well, you’re right about that last part,” I cautiously replied. “I’m not sure what I am right now, and I don’t need to know. All I do know is that this is my time to experiment with all kinds of sex, with all kinds of people. There are a couple of seriously hot trans guys back at school. It would be so hot to fuck a dude with a vagina, if one of them would be up for that. Maybe I’ll wanna play around with kink. And don’t think I’m ready to give up girls, either. I think `pansexual’ is the best description of where I’m at.” “Wanna test your new sexuality right here and now?” “Yeah, I think I do,” I answered as I leaned in for a kiss. Even after a beer and a joint, Jon was still carefully probing to see how far I’d be willing to go. We sat there kissing for a few minutes before he even moved a hand under my shirt and up to my nips. Only when I reciprocated, and then started reaching my hand inside his underwear, did Jon lose the last of his inhibitions and let his mouth and hands grow more forceful and dominant. This was a side of him I’d never seen before. I broke the lip lock just long enough to suggest moving into the bedroom, and we did. As I started to get undressed, Jon stopped me. “Let me do that. I’ve dreamed of this moment and waited long enough for it to happen.” Maybe it was the massage I got on our camping trip, but I was ready to give myself up to a sex partner who knew what we both wanted and told me to just let him do it. I’d never imagined Jon as a dom before, but I was quickly learning to like him like this. I think that I was also enjoying not having to be in control all the time, like I am with girls. (Maybe I don’t need to do that with them either?) Jon quickly got us both naked, with me sitting on the edge of the bed in front of him and his erect penis pointing at my face. “SUCK IT Ryan! NOW!” When a naked man like Jon stands in front of where you’re sitting and orders you to Suck it NOW!, you fucking suck it now. And you are super careful not to scratch him with your teeth and to use your tongue and lips the best you know how, because you don’t want this to be the last time he wants to jam his cock into your upper respiratory passages. Thankfully, I must have been doing something right because all I heard from Jon was: “That’s it baby, that’s how to suck my cock…. Yeah, just like that….Fuck, YEAH!…. You HAVE done this before! …. Take it all the way down, babe, just like that…. You were born to do this.” After a few minutes, Jon had to tell me to stop or else he’d come. More gently, this time, he told me to lie back on the bed and then he knelt, straddling my shins and looking at me with a devilish grin, as he said: “You’ve wanted this for a long time, haven’t you?” “I don’t know Maybe I have and I just couldn’t see it. I’ve always loved being with you. Is that the same thing?” “I think we know the answer to that,” he said. “Well, now you’re getting what we both want, so lie back and enjoy the ride.” And with that, he lowered himself over me, and took all of my thick cock into his mouth, right down to the base. “FUCK!!” I yelled.” But Jon didn’t answer. His mouth was full and he was busy making me squirm and buck and swear. As a cocksucker, Jon was in a class with Jamie, and Jamie gives one of the two best blow jobs of anyone Conor knows. If he hadn’t sensed that I was getting close, I’d have let Jon keep going and cum in his mouth. He, however, had other ideas. He pulled off me, swatted my hand away from my cock (“Don’t cum yet!”), and paused to catch his breath, before asking, “Wanna fuck?” “Top or bottom?”, I asked nervously. “I’m a vers top, but since your ass is cherry (It still is, right?), if you’re afraid of bottoming, I’ll let you be on top.” “I fucked Jamie last weekend, but I’ve never taken a dick up my ass, so I’m curious. I’m also scared. If I let you do me, will you promise to be gentle and stop if I ask you to?” I must have sounded as scared as I felt, because at once Jon smiled softly and his voice grew reassuring. “Hey, Ryan, it’s still me, Jon. I’m your friend, remember? Of course I won’t hurt you, and if you tell me to, I’ll stop. Okay?” “Okay,” I said, still a little tentatively. “Talk me through it. Coach me.” “Relax. I’m not gonna fuck you now, or ever, until you tell me you want it and I know you mean it. Let’s first work on relaxing your sphincter. Right now, you probably couldn’t get anything thicker than a rectal thermometer through it. Does Conor keep sex toys somewhere in here?” “Yeah. In a box on the closet floor. I’ll get it.” A moment later, Jon was inspecting Conor’s assortment of dildos, butt plugs, cock rings, ball stretchers, clothes pins, and various articles that I couldn’t identify. “Did Conor ever explain to you about cleaning out, and do you know where he keeps that stuff?” “Yeah. Want me to go do that?” I saw no reason to tell Jon that we didn’t have the option of douching up at the creek. “Yeah. No, wait. You might end up fucking me later, so why don’t we both take a short break and get our holes squeaky clean.” How come Jon was able to talk to me about this so matter-of-factly, while I’d never been able to even mention the subject to a girl? There was some kind of lesson here, in case it still mattered. In the bathroom, I got the douche bulb and nozzle out from under the sink, filled it with warm water, and we rinsed out our asses. That done, we grabbed a quick shower and played briefly with each other’s ass under the guise of finishing the cleaning out job. Ten minutes later we were back in the bedroom looking through Conor’s dildos. I pulled out the smallest one, put the box back, and got on the bed. “We’re not gonna use that yet,” Jon said. “Not till I can see that you’re ready.” I was still nervous, but also grateful that Jon wanted me to enjoy my first time and not just endure it for his sake. I said before that I might be falling in love with Jon. Now, I caught myself thinking that, rationally, it might be too soon to start thinking about us as boyfriends, but also that guys like him come along rarely and I’d be an idiot to say “no” if I had the chance to have that kind of relationship with him. “Try not to overthink this,” I silently told myself. “We can decide where we want to take our friendship later. Right now, a very sweet, very sexy, boy, whom you like a lot and who is hot for you, is trying to help you learn to enjoy your having your ass played with. Just stay in this moment, Ryan.” “Ryan, are you there?” I opened my eyes and there was Jon, standing at the foot of the bed with that soft smile of his that I love so much. “Sorry. I was lost in my own head for a few seconds.” “That’s okay. Just lie back now and raise your hips so I can put this pillow under them.” I did, and then he said, “For now, I’m just going to use my hands and my mouth, babe. Just relax and don’t be afraid of a thing.” And I did. Finally, I was able to completely let go and loosen up; not just my sphincter, but my whole body. Finally, I truly believed that yahya kaptan escort nothing bad could happen to me as long as I was with Jon, and I was happy to go with whatever he wanted to do. For a long time, Jon never touched my hole. He spread my legs wide apart so he could lick and tickle my inner thighs, the innermost part of my cheeks, the sensitive crease where my ass ends and my thighs begin, my perineum and my ball sack. “FUCK!….GODDAMN!…SHIT, Jon, where has this been all my life?!” Still, he didn’t touch my hole. When he finally raised his head high enough to see my face, he just grinned and asked, “How ya doin so far?” “You already fucking know how I’m doing! Conor’s over at Jamie’s and even HE probably can hear how I’m doing.” “Good,” Jon replied as his grin took on a sly, devilish, look and his eyes narrowed. “I’m not done with you yet.” “You never told me you were in the ass play honors program.” “You never wanted to know before now.” “Don’t worry, I’m taking notes. You’re gonna get some of this too.” “That’s the boy!”, and that sexy grin was wider than ever. “Now, heels up and spread those gorgeous cakes. I wanna see what you’re hiding between them.” My heels were over my head and I was holding the backs of my legs before he could finish ordering me to. I thought Jon would start eating out my hole right away, but no; he had something else to show me. He lubed up my entire crack and pressed the edge of his palm into it. Then he slowly slid it back and forth while rotating it from side to massage the innermost parts of my ass. Sometimes he slid his hand up a little higher to stretch or tickle my balls. “SWEET FUCKING JESUS!!” I yelled, loud enough for the whole building to hear. “Don’t stop ever.” My ass thrashed and bucked so much that Jon had to lean into his hand as hard as he could just to stay on top of that bronc. I wished the guys across the street could see and hear THIS show. Then, and even pervier, I wished Conor would pick this moment to walk into the bedroom to pick up something he’d forgotten, see us, rip his clothes off, and fist his cock until he pumped a load all over my face. That wish was followed by my wondering, “What the fuck happened to that innocent, naive, straight kid from upstate who came to stay with his big brother less than two weeks ago?” But I already knew the answer: “That kid got really lucky.” I have no idea how long Jon kept playing like that with my ass, but the motion of his hand finally began to slow and he put less pressure on it, until I stopped thrashing around and my breathing grew a little quieter. He didn’t let me relax completely, because very soon he was licking, tonguing, and nibbling the perimeter of my hole, like water slowly circling a drain. The “water” started to disappear into the drain when Jon pushed his tongue as deep into my ass as he could, twisted it around, pulled it out, nibbled here and there, and then did it all over again. And so did I — do it all over again. Once more, blasphemies and obscenities were heard from one end of Hell’s Kitchen to the other and Jon had to work pretty hard to keep me from pulling my ass off his tongue. I stood the torture as long as I could and then bellowed: “Fuck me, Jon! I need you inside me, now. PLEASE!!” “You sure you don’t want to try the small dildo first? “I could get an elephant inside me now. I don’t want a dildo. I want YOU, Jon. Please!” “You don’t have to beg. And what I said before still goes: I’m not going to hurt you. If you tell me to slow down or stop, I will. Now, lube up my cock and your hole. Put more lube in your hole than you think you need. That’ll make it easier. I don’t use poppers myself, but if you want to and Conor has some, this might be a good time.” “Nah. I tried poppers once but they gave me a headache.” “Okay, then just breathe slowly and steadily.” The talking stopped and now Jon locked his eyes on mine as I felt the tip of his cock lightly touch my ass. But he didn’t try to get it inside me. Not yet. Instead, he used his cock to play slide the hot dog around in the bun, the way the edge of his hand had just done, except that now he’d tease the entrance to my hole with short but firm pokes in between some of those long strokes. I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Fuck me, for crying out fucking loud!” I bellowed. “Just put that thing in me, already, for Chrissakes!” Jon didn’t say anything, but his face grew serious. He applied a little more lube to his dick, put the knob at the entrance to the mine shaft between my legs, and as he gently pushed, my sphincter slowly began to loosen up for him. I was uncomfortable at first and the intensity level was high, but I remembered to focus on my breathing until, sooner than I expected, I felt Jon’s pubic bone come in for a soft landing on my ass. I don’t think Jon was as surprised as I was by the ease with which my ass accepted his dick, which is pretty big. He’d known what he was doing with all that butt play, and he knew that when I finally begged him to fuck me, he wouldn’t have to stop before he was all the way in. Once his pubes and balls were up against my ass, he smiled and asked how I was doing. I didn’t answer at first, but continued to breathe deeply until I started to feel comfortable enough to enjoy having my best friend’s dick deep inside my body. When Jon saw my breathing relax and I finally smiled back and told him I was good, he began a slow, languid, fuck. Sometimes, when he was at the top of his stroke and only the head was still inside, he’d make lazy, wobbly, circles with it, so that I’d feel a little extra shiver of pleasure in the sensitive area near the opening of my hole. Other times, he’d pull out completely so he could penetrate me all over again on the downstroke. As Jon’s dick moved inside me and I looked up into those beautiful, deep, brown eyes of his, I felt more emotionally connected to him than I’ve ever felt with anyone in my life outside of my own family. He wasn’t just my best friend anymore; now we were lovers and I’d have married him on the spot if he’d asked me to. Slowly and steadily, Jon’s fucking grew faster and more insistent. His soft smile disappeared, his face grew taut, and his eyes began to bore right into mine. “I’m gonna blow! he said urgently. Where do you want it?” “In me. I want your cum inside me for as long as I can keep it.” Now Jon started jackhammering my ass and his face scrunched up too tightly for him to make any sound except deep, rumbling, grunts. Finally he threw his head back and his body was wracked by a shuddering orgasm as he released his semen deep inside my ass. After a few more thrusts to get the last drops out of his cock, he collapsed on top of me and lay there panting for maybe a minute, before he opened his eyes again. When he did, that smile I love was back. We held each other tight, and just lay there kissing, stroking each other’s hair and face, and being so, so, happy. A little while later, I asked Jon if he wanted me to fuck him. “Not how, honey. This has been absolutely perfect and I want to remember my first time with you exactly like this, if you’d be okay with that. But we still need to get you off. What do you want me to do?” “Actually, I was also thinking that this was as close to perfect as anything could ever get and I was afraid of somehow ruining everything by wanting more. I’ll just get myself off while you lie here watching me.” “You’re not gonna do that,” Jon said. “I just meant that any more fucking tonight might be a letdown, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to suck you off, or jerk you off, if you’d like me to.” “Then suck me, please.” The next moment, Jon was using his lips, tongue and teeth on my balls, and working my dick (without the teeth), as amazingly as he’d used his mouth on my ass half an hour earlier. As much as I wanted to last, I couldn’t; not after what we’d just done. But If I’d gotten too far to last much longer, at least that made my orgasm all the more intense. Jon held my semen in his mouth for a few moments, then he moved in for a kiss and returned the load to its original owner. I gave some back to him before we both swallowed it. About ten minutes later, as we lay there cuddling and kissing, I said: “You’ll spend the night here with me, I hope.” “I’d love to, but I didn’t bring a toothbrush or clothes for the morning.” “No problem. I know where Conor’s trick toothbrushes are and you can wear my clothes gebze escort tomorrow. They ought to fit you pretty well.” “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I’d love to sleep with you tonight.” “Then do it. Let’s go get cleaned up,” I said, as I led the way to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Both of us were too excited to sleep soundly, but we still woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and happy. After we pissed and rinsed off quickly in the shower, I gave Jon a clean pair of briefs — I was really perving on the thought of him spending the day in my underpants and I told him so — a shirt and some socks, and we sat down in our underwear to have our coffee. At that moment, there was a knock on the door, followed by Conor’s voice. “It’s me. Is it okay to come in?” “Of course.” “Should I get dressed?” Jon quickly asked. “For Conor? Are you kidding me? I sometimes wonder if he knows what clothes are even for, though I’ll concede that he could say the same about me.” Before the last of that sentence was out of my mouth, my big brother was standing next to us, explaining that he’d forgotten to bring over to Jamie’s last night some stuff that he needed for work. Jon and I stood up and I said: “Conor, this is my friend Jon, about whom you’ve heard so much. Jon, this is my brother Conor, about whom YOU’VE heard so much. And, don’t worry, either of you. Everything I’ve said about you has been good.” Then, looking at Jon, Conor said, “I’ve really been looking forward to meeting you, though I hadn’t expected it to be this morning. Anybody my little brother talks about as much as he talks about you is somebody I want to meet.” “That goes double for me,” Jon replied. “Do you have time for coffee with us?” “I was hoping you’d ask.” None of us had much time for a chat, but we agreed to get together for drinks that evening so we could talk some more. Then I deadpanned: “In case you’ve already counted, I gave Jon a toothbrush from your trick stash. Don’t freak. I’ll replace it.” “You sure as fuck are, or I’m deducting twice the cost from next week’s allowance, kid. And don’t forget to wash the sheets” With that, Jon and I finished dressing and we all headed out into the morning sunshine of Hell’s Kitchen. After my brother left us, Jon told me that he liked Conor already and hoped that we’d all get to spend some time together this summer. I was really glad to hear that, and told Jon that I know my brother well enough to know that he felt the same way about him. I knew that all of us plus Jamie are beach lovers, so I suggested that we might plan something along that line for the four of us. JON: Ryan and I met on the first day of classes of our first semester. We were two hotshot high school students suddenly feeling far from home and friends and maybe a little out of our depth. Truth: Ryan’s looks were what first made him stand out in that crowd. I’m okay looking, but what made a guy like Ryan, who you just know has had women and men coveting his ass ever since puberty, take a second look at me, is more than I could understand at the time. Like so many incoming freshmen, “insecure” was my middle name. What I couldn’t see because it didn’t seem possible, was that it was also Ryan’s. How could I have guessed that he needed a friend as much as I did? I outed myself almost as soon as we started talking because if he was going to have a problem with gay, I figured the sooner I found out, the better. And when he treated it as the non-issue it was, I began to hope that I’d be seeing more of him. As we got to know each other better and started opening up to each other more, I began to sense that, just maybe, Ryan’s straightness might owe more to habit and the unexamined expectations of himself and others, than to any clear understanding of his own sexual desires. Perhaps my sense of this had to do with how proud he was of his gay older brother and how close they were. Maybe his interest in learning more about the ways in which I express my sexuality also had something to do with it. Ryan never acted like a tourist in some exotic gay world that I inhabited; whenever he asked me about my sexual activities, I knew that it was just because he wanted to know me — not GAY me, just plain old me, Jon Regazzi, better; and I was growing to love him for that. I admit that, in my day dreams, I hoped that someday we’d be boyfriends and not just “friends,” but I never forgot how unlikely it seemed that such a thing would happen, and I determined not to scare him away by coming on to him. If we were ever going to make it with each other, Ryan would have to come to me. Even after he told me about his and Conor’s jerking off in the sauna after watching two other guys stroke and shoot in front of them, I still didn’t make any kind of move on him. It was only when Ryan told me that Conor would be away all night and invited me to come up and hang with him, that I began to seriously wonder what he might have in mind. When I finally found out, all I could say was “Thank you!!” to whichever goddess had done this for me. Finally getting to meet Conor the next morning was the icing on the cake, after all I’d heard about him. We didn’t have much time to talk, but I instantly knew two things about him. One was that I liked him a lot. There was something about his friendly open expression and his unfeigned interest in me that just drew me to him. The other thing was that I knew that Ryan is crazy about him almost to the point of hero worship, and I’m crazy about Ryan, so I knew that there weren’t going to be any bad surprises down the road from Conor. What I saw was what I was going to keep on getting. Just the kind of man I like. RYAN: Ever since my first afternoon in New York — when Conor took me to his gym and we saw two guys jerk off together in the sauna and then did the same thing, ourselves — I’ve asked myself how I could not have realized till then that I have sexual feelings for men. And what’s more, now that the dam has burst, I’m hoping to have sex with all kinds of people who don’t fit the traditional ideas of what is a man or a woman. I’m still not sure what the answer is to that question, but I have some ideas. For example, I wonder if having a big brother I idolized come out when I was younger, might have caused me to misunderstand my own desires later on. I’ll try to explain this, at least to the extent that I understand it myself. When Conor came out, thirteen year old me thought that this was the coolest thing that had ever happened among my family and friends. I didn’t know anybody else who was gay, almost nobody in our town was out, and now my jock brother had decided that he’d had enough pretending and anybody who couldn’t accept that could just fuck off. Paradoxically, though, I think that Conor’s coming out might have actually inhibited me from examining my own sexuality. Which I certainly had reason to do. I was always checking out guys’ naked bodies in the locker room and some of them were my jerk off fantasies. But I also thought that this might mean only that I was trying to be just like Conor again — not that I was REALLY interested in guys. Or at least not in THAT way. Besides, lots of guys my age jerked off with each other and didn’t see it as any big deal. So, as much as I looked up to Conor and tried to be like him, deciding that I, too, was now gay, seemed to be taking that idea a little too far. Having a buddy like Jon that first year away from home helped push me in the direction of looking at myself more honestly. I loved the way he was so comfortable with his own sexuality and with talking to me about it. He seemed to feel so free and I didn’t. The difference between Conor’s being gay and Jon’s is that Jon is not the avatar of coolness and competence that Conor was for me. Jon was just my friend and I felt no self-imposed pressure to emulate him. When I realized that I was starting to have sexual feelings for Jon, I couldn’t put it down to hero worship. It also helped that I met Jon at college, where nobody knew me. If I was ever going to feel truly free to discover a hidden part of myself, this was the time. I have not failed to notice that Conor came out during his sophomore year; in other words, about the same time I’m starting down a similar path. Now I think I know why. AUTHOR’S NOTES: Please join me in supporting Nifty in recognition of the unique role they play in bringing readers and writers together. Even a small donation helps. To contribute, go to fty/donate.html If you’re interested in an earlier story of mine, you’ll find Finding My Tribe in the Adult-Youth section. _________________________________ I welcome readers’ comments, for better or for worse. Please send them ail

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