Emperor Thrinklebopple Takes An Empress, and They Have Sex

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The Tale of Emperor Wallace ThrinkleboppleThe weather was warm and the sky was clear as an unmarked white van drove into the town square. A figure emerged from the driver’s side; he was dressed in an opulent uniform consisting of a blue blazer and slacks, a red vest with gold buttons over a white shirt, and a simple black tie. The uniform was clean, albeit highly wrinkled, in marked contrast to his uneven facial hair, large eyes, and ancient dirty sneakers.He opened the back door of the van and began retrieving items. He began with a soapbox, as is traditional of what he was about to do. This was followed by a series of large speakers, which he wired up and connected to a megaphone. Some people in the square were taking notice, most confused, not sure if they should call the police or not.He cleared his throat as he stood on the soapbox and began speaking into the megaphone.“Attention, may I have your attention please,” he began. “I am Wallace Thrinklebopple, and I hereby declare myself emperor of these United States of America. Thank you, I’ll be repeating this message as needed. That is all.”The crowd didn’t know how to respond.MEANWHILE! AT THE WHITEHOUSEThe president did. He called his cabinet and began “Well, folks, I guess we had a good run, but we’re out of a job. The Emperor Wallace Thrinklebopple has spoken. Let’s send him a plane so he can take his place.”“Wait what?” one of the cabinet members asked, “What do you mean?”“Isn’t it obvious?” One of the other cabinet members asked, “we have an emperor now, I guess we couldn’t keep the republic.”“We can’t stand against the Emperor, he’s the Emperor after all. We’re just people.”The president nodded solemnly, “that’s correct. Let’s send him a jet, get him a security detail, and give him the tour. We had a good run, but now begins the reign of Emperor Thrinklebopple.”That all happened remarkably quickly.MEANWHILE IN RURAL NEBRASKANothing particularly interesting was happening. It was rural Nebraska after all.MEANWHILE IN UTAHMormons were doing Mormon things as they are wont to do. Emperor Thrinklebopple was quick on the uptake of governance; after all, what kind of Emperor wouldn’t have a strong idea of how to govern. His first hundred days were contentious, considering he ordered the immediate execution of several million people.But after Todd, Corey and PJ were killed, people realized that most of them were Nazis, bahis siteleri and people were pretty much okay with the Nazi killing. It turned out that there are a surprising number of people the world would just be better without. Many of whom are Nazis.Not the kind of hypersensitive “everyone who disagrees with me is a Nazi” Nazis, but actual Nazi Nazis, self-identifying, genocide supporting Nazis.After that, Emperor Thrinklebopple began fixing other problems. Specifically, he began building low-income housing, solving the climate crisis and cracking down on corporate corruption, and incorporating a national “hit a moron with a stick” program, where specially designated individuals were allowed to hit people with sticks if that person was doing something incredibly stupid. This might include writing a piece of erotic fiction for a contest the author knows he will not win, staring at a man named Wallace Thrinklebopple who declares himself emperor of the United States and then proceeds to make everything better. That is definitely a hit with stick idea.He managed to do this, mostly because who would stand up to the Emperor? Nobody, that’s who. You don’t want low-income housing in your neighborhood, tough luck, the Emperor has decreed it will be built. Have a tax loophole that makes your corporation not pay taxes? Not anymore, Emperor Thrinklebopple has declared you owe taxes.This would ultimately introduce a golden age that lasted a thousand years, until Emperor Theodore J. Dunkleflopper contracted rabies before naming a successor, resulting in a civil war. But that’s a story for another time.After four years, Emperor Thrinklebopple was sitting behind his desk reviewing the latest important documents when his chief advisor, Literally Actually Satan, approached him.“Emperor Thrinklebopple,” began Literally Actually Satan, “Have you given any thought to your successor or taking a wife?”If you’re wondering how Literally Actually Satan became chief advisor to Emperor of the United States, well for hundreds of years, the other guy’s been helping, it’s in the oath of the president. Emperor Thinklebopple decided that maybe the other-other guy should help. Satan was happy to help, didn’t even ask for anything in return. What a swell guy?“Yup I did,” beamed Emperor Thrinklebopple, “Obviously I’ll choose a successor. One by birth isn’t a good idea, so I’ll appoint one. Hereditary monarchies canlı bahis siteleri never seem to work out. In fact, I’ve got a list of people who might be good choices, but I was thinking of putting it in your hands. You’ve helped so much and I imagine I’ll ask you to help out my successor too. As for a wife, I don’t know.”“Of course I will assist your successor, and their successor and theirs, until they no longer ask for my help,” answered Literally Actually Satan, isn’t he a swell guy? “As for a wife, I believe I can assist in this as well. Describe to me your ideal woman.”“Well,” began the Emperor, “She should have nice boobies, and a nice butt, but not too nice. Shapely and tight instead of sheer size. Next, she should be Ivy League-educated, interested in punk rock, able to kick my ass. She should have a soft and melodic voice, not one that’s all gravelly and seductive. Also hugs. She should give really good hugs. A vegetarian would be good, but vegan not good, but that’s not super necessary. Strong hands are important too. Really the most important ones are the hugs and Ivy League education. Hugs are nice.”Literally Actually Satan turned around and hefted his magic briefcase, and opened it. He began leafing through the various files and information he had, and retrieved about a dozen pictures of women, “These satisfy your criteria to an extent. I took the liberty of assuming that you would not want my interference in seduction, she should be heterosexual and with a comparable sex drive to you. Of course, this should be actual love, and I therefore will not interfere in courtship. You must choose one another of your own free will.” Literally Actually Satan handed the pictures, which were paper-clipped to dossiers about each woman.“Gee, thanks, I can always count on you it seems,” Emperor Thrinklebopple beamed.After a few days, Emperor Thrinklebopple called a press conference, “Hiya folks,” he began to an audience of reporters, fans, and hyper-intelligent dogs. “I’m calling this press conference to discuss that we’re, or I am looking to fill the position of ‘Empress’ in my governance. We’ll be posting a job application on our website. If you think you would be a good fit for the position of ‘Empress’ please submit an application as well as your resume. Also, despite the fact that the name ‘Empress’ implies a gendered restriction, the position is open canlı bahis to anybody, as long as they’re human. Now, we’re expecting a lot of applications, so if you don’t hear back, we probably didn’t read your application, since we won’t read all of them, if we get as many as we expect. Also, it might take a while to get through this. Because well, recently I found out the climate is changing and not in a good way. Did you know that? I didn’t. I’m going to be meeting with smart people to explain what’s going on and work on how to fix it. Maybe the climate doesn’t know it’s changing in a bad way and needs a psychiatrist to help it change in a good way. Maybe the climate just needs someone to talk to. I don’t know, I found out about this only a few days ago. Smart people will help, that’s why they’re smart people. Then we can work on helping the climate change in a good way. My advisors tell me this is important for the future of the planet, and I like the planet, it’s where I live and all my stuff is. Thank you. I’ll take some questions now.” The plan worked flawlessly. Amongst the roughly dozen of the individuals Literally Actually Satan had suggested for Emperor Thrinklebopple to wed, ten of them applied for the position of ‘Empress.’ Admittedly, about half the population of the planet filled out an application, as who wouldn’t want to marry Emperor Thrinklebopple, super popular politician.Of course, it wouldn’t do to just interview the ideal candidates, they had to interview a lot of people, to make things look fair. A fair few weren’t suitable for ‘Empress,’ but were suitable for other positions. Like the hit with stick department, and thus Reality Television was mandated to have a ‘hit with stick’ person at all times, ratings went up, and so did intelligence, as reality stars were prevented from doing incredibly dumb things by people hitting them with sticks. Fewer dumb role models.Eventually, suitable candidates were pulled in for a second, then the third round of interviews, the third with the Emperor himself. Only three people made it to the third round of interviews, but it took a while, as people needed to be hired to hold interviews, and people needed to be interviewed to hire potential interviewers, who also needed to be interviewed. Except most of them were temps or interns. They weren’t going to keep on people who were just there to interview people for a position that would be filled.The first and third of the three interviews Emperor Thrinklebopple are not relevant to this story, as the second interview is about who would become Empress. Her name was Phoebe Thrinklebopple nee Smith.

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