Post Apocalyptic Date Night

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Sometimes it can be tough to find the time.

*

Author’s Note:

If you’re expecting a serious story, this ain’t it. I’m taking a break from goofy fairy tales and instead focusing my love of parodies onto the genre of post-apocalyptic sci-fi. There’s an evil warlord, a damsel in distress, and a sword-wielding hero on a motorcycle.

This story is also loosely coupled to a rock and roll soundtrack. If you’d like to play along, take a moment to cue up Ace of Spades by Motorhead, Supernova by Liz Phair, and I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. You’ll know when to press play, I promise.

*

Post Apocalyptic Date Night

A lone warrior rode out across the desert, a cloud of dust trailing behind her. The roar of the Harley-Davidson between her legs echoed off the face of jagged rocks, as the arroyo she traveled in gave way to a deep box canyon. The fact that there was no way out of the canyon but forward was not a concern for the woman, but should have weighed heavily on the minds of the hundred or so of the Duke’s men waiting for her. For they were the ones who needed to worry—they had made the mistake of kidnapping her girl. And on date night no less.

A massive California Condor, the last of its kind, swooped down from the heavens. Gliding on a three meter wingspan the color of midnight, it clutched in its talons a mighty broadsword. The majestic bird quickly closed the gap between itself and the rider, and after letting loose a powerful screech, dropped the weapon into the woman’s outstretched hand. In the far distance, a forked tongue of lightning streaked toward the dry earth, the resulting thunder sounding suspiciously like the heavy metal crunch of an electric guitar.

It had begun.

*

As she rode deeper into the cool shadows of the canyon, the warrior woman had ample time to reflect upon how the events of today had come to pass. It was a long journey in the making. She envisioned herself as a child, no more than nine years old, on that fateful day when the world descended into shadow and chaos—the day her mother explained to her that they had to leave under the cover of darkness. People were in the streets, she said—bad people.

The nine-year old girl knew nothing of global warming, or its effect on the world’s crops, and in particular the precious crops of the coffee bean plantations. All she knew was that everyone in the older generation seemed to be constantly on edge these days, and downright cranky in the mornings. Just days ago, in her own neighborhood, a group of smug tea drinkers had been put up against the wall and shot. It was later that night that her mother had roused her from sleep to embark on their clandestine journey.

But a mother’s dream of a better life for her daughter made no difference to the coffee warlords and their roving gangs—the Bean Kings, the Sons of Juan Valdez. Soon the girl found herself as an orphan, trained as a gladiator slave, fighting and killing for the amusement of the most evil warlord of all, the Dark Roast Duke.

Though through her cunning, she was able to escape the Duke’s clutches and find a peaceful life for herself in the California wilderness, the place she now called home. She had even domesticated enough to find herself a nice girlfriend in the nearby Native American village. It was not an easy life, but they made the best of it, and had recently started setting aside time for date nights.

Now, after many years, the Duke was back. While the warrior woman was enjoying the peace and relative comfort of her isolated cabin, the warlord had been building his empire—and exacting his revenge on anyone who had betrayed him, no matter how long ago the transgression. The woman felt the sharp sting of his retaliation when she woke one morning to find a scrap of her girlfriend’s clothing stuffed inside a battered old coffee pot that had been left on her doorstep.

There was no question in her mind as to who sent the message, and soon after discovering it, she knew that the only way out was through. She donned her full-length oilskin duster and pulled her Harley out of the barn—the big V-Twin engine rumbling to life with a single kick of the starter.

She and the Native America woman had been trying for weeks now to go on another date, but it seemed like something was always coming up. And now that something was the Dark Roast Duke.

*

“Nobody fucks with date night,” she muttered to herself, as she twisted the throttle and roared deeper into the canyon.

High atop of the canyon wall, the warrior saw a single ghostly apparition. All dressed in black, sporting a Stetson hat and some serious mutton chop sideburns, the supernatural figure appeared to be stepping up to a microphone.

How this came to pass in the middle of the desert, and how the apparition was suddenly, magically flanked by a guitarist and a drummer, the woman did not know. She had other, more pressing matters on her mind, like the hundred or casino siteleri so of the Duke’s men riding toward her on all manner of ATVs, dune buggies, and dirt bikes.

The warrior woman squinted against the dust cloud kicked up by coming mob, looking for a weakness—a place to strike. As if on cue, the ghostly trio of black-clad musicians above began pounding out a familiar speed-metal riff. She smiled, for as soon as the lead spectre began belting out the words to Motorhead’s Ace of Spades, she knew it was the ancestors who watched over her from above. They approved of her crusade and would provide the soundtrack as she loosed her wrath on all those who would dare to interfere with the sanctity of date night.

The Dark Roast Duke didn’t stand a chance.

*

With a swing of her mighty broadsword, the warrior woman separated the first thug’s head from his still convulsing body. Before she struck, he had already been riding erratically, seemingly having trouble keeping his dirt bike upright as he sped onward at the front of the pack. She did not know the source of his ailment or anything else about the man other than the color of his blood that was painting the rocks where his lifeless corpse now lay. She only knew that he was the weak link—her way in.

“One down, ninety-nine to go,” she muttered. Her sword had already found its next target before the first man’s head completed its macabre spinning arc to land face up in a red puddle behind his lifeless body.

After thugs ninety-eight and ninety-seven suffered a similar grizzly end—and ninety-six through ninety-two lay limbless on the canyon floor, their hearts still beating hard enough to send geysers of blood some three feet into the air—the remaining riders parted like a great sea, keeping a safe distance from the warrior and her motorcycle. And when she reached the far boundary of the mob, she turned to face them again.

They easy prey was gone. The lightly armored dirt bike riders had fallen so quickly that she was forced to quickly prioritize her remaining targets or risk letting her enemy regroup. The ATVs were the next logical choice in her mind, less protected than the dune buggies, but their numbers were many, and most riders clutched heavy bludgeoning weapons in their hands. One hit from a club or swinging mace would be enough to put her bike on the ground. She decided to go around the outside.

The warrior woman rode a great circle around the Duke’s men, faster and faster she went, herding them into a tight group and then charging one side to separate a small number of them to be quickly and easily dispatched in a spray of blood and gore. This tactic worked to her advantage for three more revolutions until the remaining men finally stood their ground. Whether they were smarter or braver than the slain, she did not know. She did know that the fifty or so of the Duke’s men who remained would be her toughest foes yet.

As the warrior woman sat astride her idling Harley contemplating how to pull off the next attack without being severely injured or killed, her spirits were lifted when she heard a howl. She recognized the voice as One-Eye, the old grey wolf who had a habit of coming around her campfire at night looking for scraps.

“Thank you my friend,” she said, “but I fear this may prove to be a difficult battle even for a pair of fearsome old warriors such as us.”

Before the words had finished crossing her lips, a second howl joined in with One-Eye. And then a third and a fourth. Soon the entire canyon echoed with the sound of the advancing pack. The warrior woman smiled and twisted the Harley’s throttle. One-Eye bared his teeth, and together with One-Eye’s extended family, they made short work of the remaining mob.

*

The sound of the Harley’s big V-Twin no longer echoed as loudly now that it was clear of the canyon and speeding toward the Duke’s palace, but alas, it was still a noisy beast and had alerted the captain of the guard. A number of warriors were already assembled outside the gate as the woman made her approach.

Had they known the foe they faced, they would have stayed inside, for their armor was more ceremonial than practical. And the Duke’s men were dispatched quickly by One-Eye and his cousins before the warrior woman even had a chance to swing her sword.

As it was, she relaxed her grip on the throttle to make her way slowly through the sea of mangled corpses. “And that, boys, is why you do not fuck with date night,” she said.

But she knew her troubles were not over as she brought her bike to a halt. Undeterred, the woman strode through the gate until the heels of her boots echoed on the marble floors of the Duke’s great hall. The warrior woman took note of several large and well-muscled men closing in to protect the Duke from her advance. From her gladiator days, she knew of the royal guard—serious warriors, hand-selected at birth and trained as ruthlessly efficient killers.

Also inside the circle of protection, for she canlı casino was chained to the Duke’s throne, was her girlfriend. Stripped bare and help captive by a heavy iron chain connected to the metal collar encircling her neck, she was every bit the picture of a warlord’s prize.

The warrior woman examined her girlfriend from afar—from the magnificent swell of her bosom, over her taut stomach and smooth-shorn mound, to the full length of her lean muscular legs—looking for any signs of harm.

“You’re looking good, babe.” The warrior woman allowed herself a smile. “Still want to go out tonight?”

“Of course,” responded the naked woman on the chain. “Took you long enough though. These guys are really lousy hosts.”

“Silence!” the Duke barked. “You may beg for your woman’s life, and your own, but your dogs will have to wait outside. I just had the floors done.”

“Certainly, your highness,” she said without the least bit of sincerity. Though in reality, the woman was simply biding her time and had no intention of being the one begging for anything today. With a nod and a wink from the warrior, the wolves began to retreat.

The Duke stared at the warrior woman, face frowning for a moment, before a servant came into view and offered him a steaming cup of brown liquid that the woman assumed was coffee—not chicory as the natives were fond of, but actual coffee made from the finest dry roasted Colombian beans.

“You cost me a hundred men today,” the Duke said, sipping at the cup with his pinky extended. He spoke rather matter of factly, as if he were settling a grocers bill rather than speaking of men who had lost their lives.

“You fucked with date night.”

For a moment the hall was silent. The Duke gazed upon the warrior woman with casual disdain while she in turn glared at him. While the gazing and the glaring continued seemingly without end, the men of the royal guard stood around posing and flexing their various muscle groups.

“Do you have any last requests before you bear witness to me having my way with your girl?” the Duke said. “Just a tiny reprieve before I give her to my men in exchange for bringing me your head.”

“Actually, I do.” The warrior woman turned her eyes to the vintage Wurlitzer jukebox that stood just off to her right. “Mind if I play a little music to get me in the mood?”

The Duke threw his head back and let out a mighty bellow of a laugh. He tossed the woman a coin. “Be my guest,” he said, still smiling and chuckling.

By the time the jukebox clicked and whirred, placing the ancient compact disc on its platter, the warrior woman was back standing where she had started, glaring defiantly at the Duke. And as the beginning strains of guitar rang out from Liz Phair’s Supernova, the warrior woman witnessed her girlfriend shifting her body, slowly closing the distance between herself and the Duke while holding a length of chain firmly in her grip.

Smart girl, the warrior thought. You take care of him, and I’ll get the rest.

“Good song, honey,” her girlfriend said. “It’s one of my faves.”

“Thanks, baby. I know you like it.”

The Duke raised his right hand in a lazy gesture that all of the royal guard seemed to fixate on—as if waiting for some signal.

“I’ve changed my mind,” the Duke said. “You die now. Then we gangbang your bitch.” The Duke dropped his hand and the royal guard sprang toward the warrior.

“She’s not a piece of meat, boys.” The warrior gritted her teeth.

And by the time Liz Phair’s vocals joined in with the guitar sounds emanating from the Wurlitzer’s speakers, the first head had been separated by the warrior woman and her mighty broadsword—the spray of red making the marble floor slick and treacherous.

The bulky men of the royal guard were forced to slow their advance or risk losing their footing. They should have taken the opportunity to retreat instead.

The warrior leaped forward, and using the fallen guard’s lifeless chest as a springboard, propelled herself into the air. Once airborne, time seemed to slow as a single slash sent three more guards sprawling under her sword—their bodies oozing the last bits of life before ever hitting the floor.

Two more of the royal guard made the mistake of standing two close together and were simultaneously skewered and dropped to join the lifeless heap.

The muddy riffing of the guitar and the powerful vocals of the chorus rang through the air, resonating around the scene of death that played out in the Duke’s hall. A beautifully choreographed spin, and a kick—followed by a slash, a parry and a thrust—was all it took to have the remaining three shaking their heads and tallying the scant minutes that lay left in the balance of their lives.

They decided to redouble their efforts.

While this regrouping was taking place, and the remaining trio of royal guards advanced on the warrior, her girlfriend had taken a length of chain in her hands and wrapped it around the Duke’s neck. The kaçak casino warrior smiled as her girlfriend made a valiant effort to choke the life out of the foul little man.

“See what happens when you fuck with date night, jackass,” the Native American woman said, echoing the words of her warrior girlfriend. Still straining on the chain, she lifted her head to address her girlfriend. “How you doin’ over there, honey?”

“Good, and you?” said the warrior.

One of the royal guard had pulled a dagger from his belt and was now brandishing it menacingly in the direction of the warrior woman’s face.

“Not bad, baby.” The native woman put her knee against the Duke’s back and grunted as she took any remaining slack out of the chain. “You think of any place you’d like to eat tonight?”

“Anywhere, as long as it’s not at your parent’s house again.” The warrior woman spun to block a dagger thrust with a chop of her sword. The dagger clattered over the floor while she continued conversing, unfazed by the noise. “You know I love them to death, but your father tells the worst jokes I’ve ever heard. I really don’t know how you and your mom put up with it.”

The warrior stole a quick look at her girlfriend, who seemed to be holding her own against the Duke, his face a deep shade of crimson as he struggled to breathe under the chain.

“I’m okay with that, but Mom’s really gonna miss seeing you.”

For a split-second, the warrior woman fell prey to contemplating a fate worse than death—the frowning face of her future mother-in-law. And in that moment of distraction, one of the three remaining men of the royal guard unsheathed his dagger. But being a more cunning members of the Duke’s royal mob, he did not turn it on the warrior woman, but instead ran over to hold it to the throat of her girlfriend.

As the scene played out, the song ended and the Jukebox fell silent. For a moment, the Duke’s hall was deathly still. Then the two men flanking the warrior woman swiftly relieved her of the broadsword, while a press of the dagger held by the third man caused the Native American woman to relax her grip on the chain around the Duke’s throat.

The Duke stood up, dusted his pants, and put his hands together in a slow applause. “Bravo,” he said. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you fight. I dare say your technique has improved.”

The warrior woman huffed and struggled against her captors, but they held her fast.

“Come work for me again,” said the Duke. “I can always use someone with your skills. It seems such a shame to waste all that talent by having you killed.”

The warrior woman spat on the floor.

“Of course, I’ll have to keep your girlfriend.” The Duke slid the back of his hand over the Native American woman’s cheek as she tried to pull away. “But I’m sure I can keep her occupied.”

The Duke extended two fingers and pressed them roughly into the Native American woman’s mouth, as if to illustrate the plans he had for her. The warrior woman looked on in horror as his meaning set in, but then smiled as her girlfriend chomped down and the Duke cried out, shaking his bloody fingers loose.

“You shouldn’t fuck with date night,” the warrior woman reminded him.

The Duke responded to the taunt by slapping the warrior’s girlfriend hard across the cheek, sending her chain rattling and her body sprawling in a heap on the floor.

Recovering quickly, the native woman was soon sitting up again and casting an angry glare at the Duke. But the warrior woman had already seized upon the chance afforded by the split-second distraction of the guard who had once held the dagger to her girlfriend’s throat.

The warrior woman ducked out of the grip of her captors and sent their heads colliding with one another in a sickening crack of skulls that echoed throughout the Duke’s hall.

In a blur of motion she cartwheeled herself to the throne, swept her feet under the guard, relieving him of his dagger. He collapsed in a gurgling heap as the warrior drew the stolen blade swiftly across his throat.

With only the Duke remaining, she turned on him next and pressed the edge of the still dripping dagger to his throat. Then, as a final insult, she picked up the Duke’s cup of coffee, still steaming even after the brief skirmish, and brought it to her lips.

After taking a tentative sip, the warrior woman made a sour face and expelled the remainder the bitter liquid in a coffee-colored cloud of spray. “This stuff tastes like shit,” she said.

The Duke lay with his back pressed against his throne, trying, but not succeeding in putting some distance between himself and the warrior’s blade.

“Now here’s what we’re gonna do, Dark Roast Dipshit,” she said. “I’m kind of in a rush since it’s date night and all. So I’m gonna let you live … for now.”

The warrior woman turned her gaze to the pack of snarling grey wolves that had come forward once again to fill the hall. “My friends will be keeping an eye on you in case you get any bright ideas.”

No sooner had the admonishment crossed her lips, than the California condor came swooping in to pick up the discarded broadsword in its mighty talons and delivered it to the warrior where she stood.

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